Justin Credible

Drivers : If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

Justin Credible

When replying to Nigerian lawyers that offer millions in return for a £50.000 finders fee, only send half the money. Keep the rest until you get the paperwork.

Justin Credible

Gamblers: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending a £50 note to yourself by Royal Mail.

Justin Credible

Mark Lawrenson : When the camera moves away from you in a wide shot on Football Focus, don't do that shifty sideways glance to see if you are still on screen as you get caught every time.

Justin Credible

Cinema goers : Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a piss before the film starts.

Justin Credible

Fool everyone into thinking you have just eaten an apple by rubbing your tummy and saying loudly "Mmm! That was a lovely apple."

Justin Credible

To make a pot of supermarket coleslaw go further, simply grate a carrot, some cabbage and an onion into the tub, then add some mayonnaise.

Justin Credible

Would-be criminals : Before you commit a crime, get a foretaste of what the world would look like from inside a prison by holding a fork up close to your eye.

Justin Credible

Some of the ones that made me laugh

Any new ones or oldies that made you laugh anyone ?

thegreat

nice one

just brightened up a boring spell at work

__________________
___________

"Make poverty history, Cheaper drugs now"

Mister Logic

Good work Justin. This is exactly what the Bronze forum needs.

ozz

FATTIES. Avoid your torso being surreptitiously filmed and used in a BBC news report about Britain's obesity problem by always wearing a T-shirt with 'All Newsreaders are Cunts' written on it.

ozz

MONKS. Conduct a life of celibacy and emotional solitude without joining a monastery by simply living with my wife. It's more comfortable and you'll be able to watch TV and use the internet.

ozz

B&Q. Why not replace the ten permanently unmanned checkouts in your stores with more sales shelving, giving your customers a wider range of products they can queue up for half an hour to pay for.

Justin Credible

Good ones ozz Must add this one.

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y

Justin Credible

Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.

Justin Credible

Betting Exchange owners : Try out irony on your customers by calling yourself Betfair.

Justin Credible

Last one from me tonight as i have to go and try to bail out my streaker mate from the Crucible. Bet won ok !!

Hijackers : Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

bambam

That made my day.

bambam

Don't buy expensive "ribbed" condoms, just buy an ordinary one and
slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.